


Just A Nudge

by just_a_noona



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternative Sexuality, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Best Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Love Triangles, Multi, Other, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 23:47:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7953823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_a_noona/pseuds/just_a_noona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes a sure thing just needs an extra little push. And, really, isn't that what best friends are for?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Stop trying to be cute.”

“What do you mean ‘trying’? I’m not trying, I’m achieving.”

“Yeah, okay. What you’re doing is trying to distract me.”

“If I wanted to distract you I’d start doing stuff like this,” Wonho leaned over and laid his head on my shoulder.

“You underestimate my ability to focus when it comes to Katamari Damacy.”

I felt him adjust a little bit, then his nose poked into my cheek.

“You’re pretty,” he whispered, “I can see why Jooheon likes you so much.”

“Shut up.”

It was no secret to Wonho, or anyone else, that Jooheon and I were in a… flirtationship. Mutually interested, but it had never gone beyond some friendly skinship while watching TV. I was trying to play it cool, but I was beginning to suspect I would die before he’d ever make a real move.

What was a secret,  _from everyone_ , was that Wonho and I had been… involved. Once upon a time. When we were both less concerned with relationships than instant gratification. It had ended on good terms, clearly, but it still hung over me at times.

I felt Wonho’s hand on my knee.

“Of course,” his other hand was now playing with my hair, “I always knew you were pretty.”

“Shush.”

“And smart,” his fingertips started dragging up my thigh, “and funny,” they passed up my side, “and loud,” up and over my arm.

“How am I loud?” I kept my eyes glued to the ball rolling around on the screen in front of me, “you yourself have teased me for being too quiet.”

“Should I feel proud then?” His hand settled back on my… well it didn’t really count as my knee this time. Lower thigh?

“Why would you be proud?”  _Shit. Still not big enough to roll up the trains_.

“For making you get so loud. But I wasn’t done,” his hand squeezed my thigh slightly.

“Done with what?”

“My list. Where was I?”

“Pretty, smart, funny.”

“Right. Scoot.”

He pushed me forward on the sofa slightly. Climbing behind me, he settled himself with me between his legs. He pulled my hair back, then hooked his chin there to watch the screen.

“Pretty, smart, funny, hmm… Apparently you’re not loud, though I don’t agree with that. What else…”

His fingers tapped dotted lines along my thighs as he thought. My own fingers pressed onwards, searching for the next biggest item I could roll up.

“Got it!”

“That took longer than I expected.”

“You’re nice, you’ve got good style,” his hands were both slipping high on my thighs, “you’ve got a great body,” his hands were gripping my hips now. He turned his head towards my neck, using his nose to trace my jawline, “and you feel so fucking good on me when you get loud.”

I paused the game, and dropped the controller. Standing up I headed straight for my jacket.

“Oh man, look at the time I have to go… to somewhere… that’s not… here.”

Wonho was laughing, still in his spot on the sofa.

“Come on, stay here. I’m just teasing you. Jooheon will be sad if he comes home and finds out he missed seeing you.”

I put on my best lecturing face and looked down at him, my arms crossed.

“I’ll stay but none of,” I waved my hands at him, “that.”

“That’s what you get for ignoring me,” Wonho stuck his tongue out.

_Why am I friends with this idiot?_ I sat down next to him and picked up the controller again.

“You’re the one that suggested Katamari.”

“I forgot how into it you get,” he pouted, crossing his arms, “the least you could do is let me cuddle while you play.”

“After what you just did?”

“Come on,” he whined, “you know I’m the best at… cuddling.”

“What is with you today?”

“Nothing,” he groaned, flopping his head back, “well it was nothing, but then Changkyun said something.”

“Huh,” I sat down next to him, unpausing the game, “what did he say?”

“Well, thanks to his hormones,” he lifted his head, giving my legs a pointed look, “he couldn’t help but notice your skirt today.”

“Hm,” I glanced down at the pleated fabric, “I was hoping Jooheon would notice it.”

“Trust me. If Changkyun keeps pointing out your honey thighs, Jooheon will have no choice but to notice it.”

“You think he’ll like it? Also,” I paused the game again, turning to give Wonho an incredulous look, “honey thighs? I thought that phrase only existed in magazines.”

“Changkyun is still pretty young,” Wonho shrugged, “also I’m blaming him for making me look at you like that again.”

“Right, well,” I handed Wonho the controller, “you finish this level.”

“What?”

“I’ll give you a minute to chill out while I raid your kitchen.”

Wonho rolled his eyes, but took the controller without complaint.

* * *

Kihyun and Hyungwon were at the breakfast bar when I entered the kitchen. They were both on their phones, lost in messages or games. They were both so intent on their tasks that neither of them seemed to notice when I started going through the shelves.

I spotted my target. The bag was, _of course_ , set on the top shelf. I looked back at the two boys, but they were both lost to this world. I shook my head, and then clambered up onto the counter.

Kneeling on the counter I succeeded only in pushing the bag even further back on the shelf. I groaned in frustration.

“Need some help?”

I looked down at Kihyun, who was now standing by my side.

“Aren’t you basically the same height as me?”

“Right,” he nodded, then turned, “Hyungwon?”

“Nope. I want to watch you two struggle.”

I shot the tallest member a dirty look before turning back to Kihyun.

“Alright, you be my spotter.”

“What are you…” Kihyun trailed off as I stood carefully on the counter. I grabbed the bag and looked around a bit.

“Man, you hide all the best stuff up here!”

“It’s so Minhyuk doesn’t eat it all. Now please get down.”

I looked down at Kihyun. His ears were red and he was staring directly at the floor, his arms outstretched towards me.

“Just give me a second.”

I turned my attention back to the shelf. I was in the process of grabbing another bag when I heard a third boy’s voice.

“What are you doing?!”

I looked down to see that Jooheon had taken Kihyun’s place. He put his hands on my thighs, holding my skirt against my skin.

“You can’t just climb up there dressed like that! What if… Kihyun could have…”

Kihyun started sputtering and shaking his head, pointing out that he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“It’s Hyungwon’s fault! He refused to help, and then she just… I wasn’t… I didn’t…”

I tapped Jooheon’s shoulder, then ran my fingers through his hair, trying to draw his attention away from Kihyun.

“Help me down Joohoney?”

His ears tinged pink at the use of the nickname. Turning his hands so the palms were up, he looked pointedly at the counter. Carefully, I used his hands for balance as I made my way from standing, to my knees, to sitting on the edge of the counter. I picked up the two bags of snacks before hopping down.

The kitchen wasn’t made to accommodate so many bodies at once, so I bumped into Jooheon and stumbled slightly. His hands immediately found my forearms to steady me.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m good. Thanks.”

Jooheon picked up one of the bags, looking at it sceptically.

“You don’t even like these.”

“It’s for Wonho-oppa.”

“What are you guys doing?” Jooheon was trying to sound casual, and failing. I smiled at him.

“Just playing games.”

“Monbeeeebe!” Wonho called down the hallway from the doorway to his room. God, why was he so whiny?

“What?” I called in return. I was too busy trying to find some clean cups to really give him my full attention.  _Did these guys ever do dishes?_  I bent down to get the dish soap out of the cupboard under the sink. If I wanted a cup, I’d have to wash it myself.

I felt a body drape itself over my back. I recognised the limp noodle that was Wonho being melted by boredom.

“You’re taking foreevveeerrr.”

“It’s not my fault that you guys hide snacks and never do dishes. Move.”

Wonho stood and leaned against the counter. He watched me wash two cups and kept making grumpy noises. Jooheon was puttering around in the fridge, not really getting anything out of it. Kihyun and Hyungwon had disappeared, probably to the comfort of one of their rooms or the living room.

“They’re good enough. Come on,” Wonho hurried me, “let’s watch a movie.”

“You lost, didn’t you?”

“The time limit on that level is stupid.”

“So you lost.”

Jooheon finally pulled a container of orange juice from the fridge.

“Can you wash me one too?”

“Ugh! Now it will take even longer! Wash your own cup!”

“She’s already got the sponge.”

“You should wash your own stuff anyway.”

“You really want to start that?” I interjected, “because I know for a fact that at least four of those bowls stacked up there are from you.”

“Yah! Who’s side are you on anyway?”

Giving Wonho a pointed look, I handed one of the cups I had just washed to Jooheon. Jooheon in turn made a cute face and a heart with his hands.

“Thaaaank you.”

“Tsch! After everything we’ve shared? You cast me aside so easily monbebe?”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” I clicked my tongue in annoyance and turned back to the sink. Removing the rubber gloves, I dried my own cup and got some water for myself.

“Where’s my cup?” Wonho pouted.

I pointed to the sink, picked up the snack bags, and started retreating to Wonho’s room. Jooheon’s laughter rang over Wonho’s shout.

“Rude!”

* * *

“Where did you even find Korean subtitles for this?”

“I know a guy,” I shrugged, turning off the main light. “So do you think Jooheon liked the skirt?”

“I will personally punch him if he doesn’t. Come here,” Wonho pulled me closer to him on his bed, backing us both up until our backs were supported by the wall next to his bed. “Why do you always choose scary movies?”

I poked his cheek with a finger.

“You’re cute when you’re terrified.”

He shook his head, then shot me his charmer look.

“You just want an excuse to get close to me.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“Hmm…” He tugged me closer to him, wrapping both arms around my waist. He nudged his face into my hair, “you know what would really help me get to sleep?”

“No idea,” I picked up one of his pillows and slapped him with it, “now shut up and watch the movie.”

* * *

After a short while Jooheon knocked lightly on the door. Once Wonho called out a vague greeting he poked his head in the door.

“I’m bored. Can I join?”

“Well…”

“Sure, come sit.”

I sat up from my sprawling position to make room for Jooheon to sit with us. I was going to let him sit between us, but Wonho quickly tugged me over to be in the middle.

Jooheon sat a little stiffly next to me. It always started like that. He never took it for granted that we were close. Every time we would hang out I felt like we were starting back at square one. The only real difference was how long it took for me to get cuddled up into his side.

I tried to be subtle about looking over at Jooheon. Maybe his protective streak was just brotherly. He never stopped me from initiating skinship, but maybe he just didn’t know how. I could just be misinterpreting his actions.

It wasn’t the first time I had doubted whether or not Jooheon was attracted to me. This time though, I didn’t just push the thought away.

I sunk myself back under Wonho’s arm. He looked down at me with a confused look, gesturing towards Jooheon slightly with his chin. I ignored him, tucking his blanket around my legs.

I could feel the slight jump in Wonho’s ribs as he chuckled.

“Are you cold monbebe?”

“Just a little.”

Wonho busied himself with the blankets. Once I was draped and nested to his satisfaction, he settled in next to me again. Jooheon cleared his throat a little uncomfortably as Wonho tucked the blankets around himself.

“What’s up?”

“Ah, hm, nothing hyung. Maybe I’ll just, uh, I’ll go see what Changkyun is up to.”

“Nooo~… Stay and watch with us. Wonho-oppa will get too scared if it’s just us.”

“Jooheon gets scared way more than me!”

“I know,” I wriggled out from the blanket bibimbap that Hoseok had tucked me into, “I like being the brave one. Please? Please stay Joohoney-oppa~~”

I gave Jooheon my best pout as I tugged on his sweatshirt sleeve. Jooheon licked his lips and appeared to give it some thought.

“Make room for me,” he nodded towards the blanket nest.

I ignored Hoseok’s frown as I readjusted the blankets to make space for Jooheon.

“We’re missing all the set-up,” whined Hoseok as I fluffed and positioned the pillows.

“Then rewind it,” I replied, “Joohoney? Here.”

I settled down, once again positioned between Hoseok and Jooheon. After some fidgeting, it seemed we were all comfortable. I was tucked under Hoseok’s arm, snuggled into his side. In turn, Jooheon was resting against me, his head on my obliques, a single arm draped over my legs. It was warm and soft. I could get used to this.

The movie finally reached a point where they had finished the requisite set-up for the murder spree we were about to witness.

It was difficult to resist laughing out loud every time that Jooheon jumped. In next to no time his face was buried in my side and the grip of his arms was vice-like around my legs.

On the other side Wonho was trying to be cool. He’d jump and twitch slightly, clearing his throat and trying to play it off like he was stretching. His nails were digging into my arm though. I was sure I’d be left with marks by the time the movie ended.

After a particularly jump-inducing scene, I extricated my arm from under Hoseok’s grip. I ran my fingers through Jooheon’s hair.

“Joohoney?”

He peeked up at me.

“You okay? You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

He sat up, pushing in closer to me.

“I’m fine. It’s not that- Oh my god!”

Another jump scare, accompanied by high strings and a screech, sent Jooheon’s head into my neck and his arms around my shoulders. Arms pinned to my sides, I was officially immobilised until such time as he decided to release me. Not that I minded. I could feel the blood rushing under my skin from Jooheon’s proximity.

A cough sounded next to my ear.  _Right. Hoseok’s still here._

“Monbebe, maybe we should watch something else.”

“But this is fun,” I wriggled, “isn’t it fun Joohoney?”

A muffled “you’re evil” came from the mess of red hair on my shoulder. I laughed. Jooheon lifted his head, peeking at the screen.

“You’re comfy though, and I like your new shampoo.”

I craned my neck to look down at him.

“How did you know that I switched shampoo?”

Jooheon looked up at me. His eyes flicked down to my lips briefly, and I wondered if he could feel the increase in my body temperature. He licked his lips before speaking, and I was barely cognisant of his words.

“You used to use pineapple. Now you smell like limes.”

“Oh,” he was so close, “thanks,” just a little closer…

An arm pulled me away from Jooheon a few centimetres.

“I liked the pineapple better.”

_Shit, Hoseok, right, well…_

Jooheon’s eyes went wide. Apparently he had forgotten Hoseok’s presence as well. He licked his lips again, eyes darting around at everything and anything other than my face. They landed on the television, and he settled his head back onto my shoulder.

As the movie continued, I couldn’t help but imagine Hoseok in each situation. That had been my chance! Or Jooheon’s chance. Either way, that had been a chance and Hoseok had ruined it! I silently seethed through the rest of the movie, trying not to imagine how Jooheon’s lips might have felt.


	2. Chapter 2

“Monbeeeeebe~”

I rubbed my eyes, mumbling under my breath.

“Don’t call me that.”

I heard Hoseok laugh, and the blankets next to me shook a little bit.

“Wake up monbebe. As much as I know you want to stay in my bed, appa says you have to go home.”

I groaned and stretched out my limbs. Sticking my head up I looked around blinking. The television was off, and the room was dark. The only sources of light were a thin line coming under the door and the screen of Hoseok’s phone.

“Where’s Jooheon? What time is it?”

“Ah, good thing I’m not the jealous type,” Hoseok shifted around until he was leaning over me, “how can you wake up in bed next to me and start asking about some other guy?”

I tried sitting up, but he pulled me back down. Positioning the both of us so that my head rested on his chest, he started winding his fingers through my hair.

“He’s not some other guy. He’s Jooheon.”

“Jooheon left after you fell asleep. Aish,” he tugged lightly on a lock of hair, “what was with you two today?”

I pulled the blanket up and over my face, groaning again.

“Oppa~! Why did you ruin it?”

The blanket shifted, Hoseok tugging it down to free my face.

“What did I ruin?”

Since he had a grip on the blanket, I resorted to clasping my hands over my face.

“He was going to kiss me,” I mumbled between my fingers.

A soft hand wound around my wrist, shifting it, exposing my face once more.

“Was I supposed to just let him? I don’t much fancy having two of my best friends get to third base on my lap.”

“Third… Hoseokie! It was just going to be a kiss!” I pushed myself up, looking down at my betrayer.

“Thanks to you, he’ll probably never try again. Now I’m going to die old and alone!” I wailed, slumping back onto the bed. Hoseok laughed, tugging me back onto his chest.

“Perfect. I like when you’re alone,” he squeezed me tightly, “if I have to be alone, so do you.”

“Oppa…”

“Yah, I don’t make the rules. That’s just how being best friends works.”

“Oppa… My ribs…”

“Oh,” he loosened his arms enough to give me breathing space, “but I’m serious. You can’t start dating before me.”

“You’re such a baby. Besides,” I tried, and failed, to wriggle out of his arms, “you’ve dated loads of people before, and you always left me in the dust. You owe me!”

“Nope.”

“Oppa…”

“No.”

“Please oppa? Just help me! I don’t want die without knowing what it’s like to be in a real relationship!”

Hoseok finally released the entirety of his grip. Sitting up, he looked down at me. Well, I assumed he looked down at me. I still couldn’t see much of anything.

“You’ve been in relationships before. What about Kwangseok?”

“We were twelve. We barely even held hands.”

“Seokwon?”

“He never even kissed me. And you promised to never talk about that!”

He ignored me.

“Donggeun?”

“He turned out to be gay.”

“Really?”

“Big time. He was only dating me to get his parents off his back, and to get closer to you.”

“Huh, can’t say I blame him. Then how about Kitae?”

“He actually liked my lab partner.”

“Jesus! You’ve seriously never really dated someone? Anyone?”

“Not seriously. Guys always got jealous of you, and so it never went that far.”

“That far… Wait!”

He swooped, kneeling over me, his hands on either side of my head.

“Am I…? Was I really the first guy who…? I mean…” he looked uncomfortable, “you know?”

“I told you that Hoseok.”

“I thought you were lying! I thought you only said that to make me feel cool or something! Aish!”

He pushed himself up again, this time kneeling between my legs. I could see the outline of his arms, hands dug into his hair. His voice sounded panicked.

“I can’t believe I… I can’t believe you let me! If I had known that you were serious I would have… I don’t know… I would have, like, bought you dinner first at least!”

“You brought me pizza and beer.”

“I mean a real dinner!” He snapped.

The outline of his arms moved. His voice was muffled now, forcing it’s way through his hands.

“Oh my gooodddddd… Fine,” his hands dropped, “I fucking owe you. Go home. I’ll figure out a way to fix this.”

* * *

“Just remember the plan, okay?”

Hoseok had his scheming face on. I thought his plan was juvenile to the extreme, but I had asked for his help. I couldn’t exactly turn it down now.

“Yeah, yeah. Just don’t fuck it up.”

“I won’t. If anything,” he poked my ribs, “you’ll chicken out.”

“When have I ever chickened out?”

“The graveyard.”

“When have I chickened out that wasn’t due to the cops showing up?”

“The swimming pool.”

“Or because of the risk of expulsion?”

“High school at Hwang Solbi’s summer vacation party.”

“Excuse me but I’m pretty sure that it was you that chickened out on that one.”

“Only because I knew that you didn’t want to go through with it.”

“Come on! It’s not like we actually had to do anything. We could have just hung out in the closet for seven minutes and both saved face. But no,” I bumped my hip into his, “somebody had to make a big deal about it.”

“We were fifteen! No way was I going into a closet with a girl and not going to try to kiss her.”

“So instead you told Solbi that you’d rather kiss an eel. Of course I backed out after you said that. Good job.”

“You know what, this is a pointless discussion. Back on topic, don’t chicken out.”

“I told you I won’t.”

We arranged ourselves on the sofa and waited. There was only a marginally excessive amount of skinship. Nothing over the top. One of his hands was on the curve of my hip instead of the relatively safer territory of my shoulder. My own hand rested just an inch or two higher on his thigh than usual. Honestly, considering how much we hung out, it probably wouldn’t even be a noticeable difference to most people.

* * *

We waited, watching cartoons. We waited, we waited, and we waited. I must have fallen asleep because before I knew it the door was blasting open and six boys were getting urgently hushed by Hoseok.

“Shut up you guys, monbebe is asleep.”

I lifted my head to pout at anyone who might offer me pity or an apology for disturbing my nap. Hoseok ran his fingers through my hair.

“Hey there, the guys are home.”

“Noticed.”

I dropped my head back onto his chest. Part of me was awake enough to realise that he had re-positioned us so that I was effectively curled into his chest. Part of me then realised that this probably strengthened the plan.  _Nice._

Minhyuk, Kihyun, and Changkyun trudged by with murmured apologies. Shownu and Hyungwon were bumping around in the kitchen. Our target though, sweet Jooheon, brushed by in silence retreating into his room. I looked up at Hoseok.

“Too much?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Come here.”

Hoseok pulled me up higher on his body, pulling the blanket on the back of the sofa down to cover me.

“What…”

“Hush. Just go back to sleep monbebe.”

I pouted, but closed my eyes and settled my head onto his shoulder.

“Don’t call me that,” I mumbled.

* * *

I woke up confused. The living room was gone. Looking around, my sleep-fuzzed brain started to recognise the room. Hoseok’s room. Hoseok’s bed. No Hoseok though.

Sitting up and rubbing my eyes, I looked at the clock on his bedside table. 8:46. I had no idea if that was morning or night.

When I opened the door I was greeted by the faint sounds of television coming from the living room. I followed this sign of life, trying to shake the haze of slumber as I walked.

Kihyun, Hyungwon, Changkyun, and Jooheon were sprawled across bits of furniture. The television seemed to be showing a part of some drama. All of their eyes were stuck on the screen until I cleared my throat softly. Eight pupils landed on me.

“Ah, uh, where’s Wonho-oppa?”

Kihyun was the first to answer.

“He went out. Want to watch with us? Come sit with me,” he moved over slightly, making space for me next to him. He lifted the blanket covering his body, gesturing for me to get under it.

“Come heat me up.”

Odd phrasing. I went and sat next to him though. Kihyun quickly tucked the blanket around my legs.

“I don’t know how you can stand to wear skirts in the winter,” Kihyun said, a little overly loud. As he leaned over me to make sure the blanket covered me he whispered under his breath.

“Wonho told me. I’ll help.”

I nodded, then spoke aloud.

“I have to look cute if I’m coming over here, right?”

“Well,” Hyungwon responded, “I think it’s safe to say that most of us think you’re always cute.”

“Only most?” I pouted, “I’m slipping up.”

“Yes. Most of us think you’re cute. I,” Hyungwon put a hand on his own chest, “on the other hand, think you’re beautiful.”

Everyone in the room, myself included, groaned. Changkyun declared his disgust at such a cheesy display. I leaned in closer to Kihyun.

“What’s his deal?”

“He’s got this backup dancer he likes. He’s been trying out lines like that on all of us for the last two weeks straight.”

“Ah. Yah, Hyungwon,” his head whipped in my direction, “don’t you know that when you like a girl that you’re not supposed to flirt with other girls?”

“I’m practising!”

“Don’t practise, just talk to her. Even,” I held a hand up, hushing him before he could protest, “if you’re nervous. Especially if you’re nervous. Nervous boys are cute.”

Kihyun tugged me closer into his side and spoke quietly through my curls.

“Why do I have the feeling you’re not saying that for Hyungwon’s benefit?”

Fully aware of my hypocrisy, I affected a flirtatious giggle and nudged him.

“Stoooop.”

Jooheon stood up then.

“I’m going to bed.”

Kihyun gave him a look.

“It’s not even nine yet.”

“Yeah, hang out with us hyung.”

Ah, gentle, kind Changkyun.

“No,” Jooheon was at the hallway now, “I’m tired of watching this.”

His back retreated down the hallway. Changkyun just looked after him for a second before getting up and going after him.

“We can watch something else.”

Kihyun and I exchanged a look. My teeth started digging into the inside of my lip. Hyungwon interrupted our silent conversation.

“Did he seem kind of… angry to you guys?”

“Maybe I should go check…”

“No,” Hyungwon waved Kihyun’s words away, “stay there. You two look comfortable, I’ll go check on him.”

As soon as Hyungwon was gone Kihyun and I separated. I tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Maybe this isn’t the way to do this.”

“Well, he couldn’t really do anything with all of us here.”

He had a point. If Jooheon hadn’t made a move during any of the times we had hung out one on one, he definitely wasn’t about to do anything in front of half the band.

I groaned, leaning back on the sofa.

“Crazy idea,” Kihyun started sarcastically, “how about you make the first move?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’ll be awkward.”

“Just do it.”

“Noooo.”

“Come on, just do it for me.”

“Why should I do it for you?”

“Because I’m cute, and this situation is annoying. Now do it.”

Desperate to escape, I rolled my eyes and stood up.

“Holy shit, you’re actually going to?”

“Shut up. Just… give me a minute.”

* * *

Bumping past someone in the hallway I locked myself in the bathroom. The way I saw it I had two options. On the one hand I could stick to the plan and hope that Hoseok was right about Jooheon just needing a jealous nudge. On the other I could ditch the plan, lose a minimal amount of face for “chickening out” with Hoseok, and make a move on Jooheon myself. Washing my hands with cold water I weighed the choices.

Jooheon was turning out to be a lot shier than I had expected. Though it seemed pretty clear that he was interested, he seemed incapable of actually taking the leap. His inaction raised questions for me. Was he really interested? Did his compliments indicate friendship instead of flirtation? Was his shyness a symptom of a crush or just because I was a girl that he interacted with outside of the professional arena? Was Hoseok full of shit about Jooheon talking about me and doing extra cleaning when he knew I was coming over?

If it turned out that he was just nice and shy instead of crushing and nervous, what would the outcome of my taking action be? Being rejected was the least of my worries. Rejection was part of life. Whatever. But I liked being friends with the boys, all of the boys. If I took a miscalculated step, how would that impact my relationship with all of them? Obviously, I was stuck with Hoseok. Staying on good terms with the band would make my inability to ditch Hoseok easier to bear.

I sighed and took in my reflection. Jooheon was interested. He had to be. He had almost kissed me before. You don’t get that close to kissing someone if you don’t like them.

Heading down the hall towards Jooheon’s room, I was picked up by arms around my waist.

“Come on monbebe! We’ve got to plan a date!”

* * *

“I still think we could have snuck into one of the better movies you know.”

“Hush. Aren’t girls supposed to love these movies?”

Wonho and I were huddled into a cinema seat, watching a ridiculously melodramatic romance movie.

“This is so dumb,” I complained, “how could anyone like a guy that treats them like they’re worthless?”

“It’s just a movie.”

“Don’t even get me started.”

“I know, I know,” Hoseok wrapped an arm over my shoulder and wiggled me back and forth playfully, “media shapes the viewpoints of the consumer. Blah blah responsible writing practices blah.”

He tugged playfully on one of my braids, “you’re so cute.”

“Gross.”

“Quiet down,” Hoseok’s arm around my shoulder bent up so he could clasp a hand over my mouth, “people are here to be romantic and you’re interrupting them.”

Shaking my head, I let Hoseok pull me into his side. Though we had often watched movies together, and skinship wasn’t odd between us either, he seemed more cuddly than usual. His chin rested on the top of my head. Every once in a while I heard his throat vibrate with a slight hum. The hand looped around me kept rubbing little circles into the skin of my arm.

Once the movie ended we walked to a small frozen yogurt shop. He kept his scarf pulled over his face, letting me order for the both of us. Once we got our dessert, we sat at a table as far away from everyone else as possible.

“You need a girlfriend.”

“How do you figure?” Hoseok pulled his hood up, trying to shield his face so that he could pull down his scarf and eat.

“You’re beginning to treat me like a girlfriend,” I paused for a spoonful of vanilla and gummy bears, “you’re clearly desperate for intimacy.”

“That’s just for the plan.”

I laughed.

“It’s not like Jooheon was in the cinema to see us though.”

Satisfied that his clothing shielded his identity enough, he finally started eating.

“I don’t have time for a girlfriend,” he licked his spoon slowly, “between work and helping you.”

“Put that away,” I threw a napkin at him, “if you start with that tongue shit, someone will definitely recognise you.”

He just gave me a smug look and exaggeratedly sucked his spoon clean, letting it rest on his bottom lip as he raised an eyebrow at me. I rolled my eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

“You dropped this.”

I looked across the elevator at Hoseok to see him holding out… nothing.

“What?”

“This,” he approached me, threading his fingers between mine.

“Wooooooow. You are  **the worst**.”

“You’re the one that wants to make Jooheon jealous.”

“Actually, jealousy was your suggestion,” I corrected him, “I just whined about how you ruined his only real attempt at making a move.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Hoseok rolled his eyes, pulling me from the elevator and down the hall.

“Why are we holding hands?”

“To make it look more natural.”

“To make what look more natural?”

“Shut up,” we were approaching the dorm’s door, “you’ll give it away.”

Before I could say anything else, he pushed open the door.

“Hey guys,” Hoseok said nonchalantly as he pulled me through the living room. “We’re going to hang out in my room for a while.”

Somebody mumbled their assent. Most of the boys were focused on the screen of the television. Kihyun offered me a sarcastic smile. Jooheon looked up at me with a smile at first. It quickly dropped when he spotted Hoseok’s hand tightly gripping mine.

“Do you think they’re together n- yah! What was that for?!”

I looked over my shoulder to see Minhyuk rubbing the back of his head. He and Jooheon were in a glaring match when Hoseok tugged me into his bedroom and shut the door.

* * *

“I’m beginning to have doubts about this plan.”

“I’m not,” Hoseok dropped my hand and reclined on his bunk, “Jooheon seemed to take an interest in the skinship.”

“Yeah,” I flopped onto the bed opposite him, “but if he thinks we’re an item he’s probably even less likely to do anything.”

“Or he’ll profess his love by challenging me to a duel.”

I didn’t reply. I just rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone. Laying back on Minhyuk’s bunk I started scrolling through SNS.

A little time had passed when the mattress under me sank slightly. Hoseok snuggled up to my side.

“What do you want?”

“I’m bored. Pay attention to me.”

I pushed him until he fell to the floor with a loud thump.

“Yah! Be careful!”

“It’s your own fault for barricading us in here.”

“What,” Hoseok pulled himself onto the edge of the bed, “barricade?”

“You made it sound like we were… busy.”

“Busy with what?”

I wanted to wipe the smug smile right off his face. Instead I chose to bury myself in my phone again.

“Like we shouldn’t be disturbed.”

“We shouldn’t.”

“How do you figure?”

“If anyone comes in they might interrupt.”

“Interrupt wha…” I looked up to see that Hoseok had peeled off his sweatshirt and t-shirt, leaving only his tank top on. He held up both of his hands, making tiger claws with them. He grinned and flexed his fingers.

“On the count of three… One…”

“Hoseok no!” I sat up quickly.

“Two…”

“Stop it!” I started towards the door.

“Three!”

I squealed and tried to run out the door. Hoseok was closer to it though, and managed to slam a hand against it to hold it shut. The other dove and looped around my waist.

The downside to being friends with people for so long is that they know your most heavily guarded secrets. They know everything about you, including that even the slightest touch on your spine will send you into convulsions and trigger you into being able to be tickled literally anywhere on your body.

Before I knew it, I was on the floor between Hoseok’s knees. He had one hand under me, running his fingers across my back. His other hand was on my side, squeezing slightly and making me lose my breath from laughter.

“Hoseok!”

“Yes?”

“Oh my god Hoseok I am going to kill you if you don’t let me…”

He cut me off with a fresh attack on my ribs.

“If I don’t let you do what monbebe?”

“Stoooppp… I’m going to pass out if you don’t stop!”

He grinned even wider and renewed his attack.

“Am I really that good at this jagi?”

I was too surprised by his word choice respond for a second. Then I realised what he was doing.

“Oh my god stop it! Stop! Stop Hoseok!”

He pouted, knowing that I had caught onto his joke, and stopped. I was still pinned to the floor under him though. He settled his weight onto my legs.

“Do you mind?”

“No.”

_Why am I friends with this jerk?_

“Move,” I pushed myself up to a sitting position. “You’re too heavy.”

“Wow. Rude,” he hauled himself off of me, standing up and offering me a hand. I stood up and straightened out my clothes.

“You ready?”

“Ready for what?”

“One…”

I ran out of the room as fast as I could.

“Hoseok! Don’t you fucking dare! Jooheon-aaaahhh!”

“Come back monbebe!”

I scrambled into the living room and headed straight for Jooheon. Being concerned only with my escape, I didn’t take the time to check anyone’s reaction to my entrance.

* * *

I hurriedly tucked myself onto Jooheon’s lap, tugging the edges of his zip-up sweatshirt around me.  _Thank god he wears such baggy clothes_. I peeked up at Hoseok, who was now standing in the entrance to the hallway. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he looked a little ticked off.

“Monbebe…”

“No. I’m not coming out.”

“What are you doing?” I looked up at Jooheon and pouted. His face was slightly pink.

“Wonho-oppa was being mean.”

“Oh,” Jooheon swallowed, “what… how was he being mean?”

“I wasn’t. I was going to give her what she wanted, eventually.”

“Oh my god,” I groaned and pulled the hood of Jooheon’s sweatshirt over my head.

“Okay,” I heard Shownu’s voice cut into the conversation, “you guys are not allowed to be in the room alone with the door shut any more.”

I popped my head out.

“Appaaaa! We…”

“If you think that will stop me,” Hoseok leaned against the wall, his arms crossed, “you are so wrong.”

“Oh my god, you are so gross.” The look of disgust on Hyungwon’s face was priceless. It was nearly enough to make me keep quiet, but then I remembered my mission.

“Oh my god, you guys, Hoseok and I are not… We don’t… That’s not how it is.”

“I don’t care,” Shownu stood up, heading into the kitchen, “no more closed doors when you’re here.”

I could feel the heat emanating off of Jooheon. I stood up and started towards the kitchen as well.

“Hoseok isn’t even the person I like!”

“I’m not judging here, I’m just laying out rules.”

“Ap-”

I was picked up by hands around my waist.

“Don’t lie to dad. You like me best.”

“I hate you best,” I mumbled as I tried to squirm out of Hoseok’s grip.

“Careful monbebe,” he lowered me enough so that my feet were on the ground again, “you shouldn’t move around so much in that skirt.”

I tried the dead weight approach in response.

“I fucking hate you.”

“I know.”

Shownu just shook his head as Hoseok pulled me back to the living room. He pulled me onto his lap as he sat to watch TV with the others. Jooheon quickly made an excuse and headed to his bedroom.

* * *

Kihyun and I exchanged a series of looks. Being on similar wavelengths, we agreed that Hoseok was being a little over the top. Kihyun seemed of the opinion that I should go after Jooheon, though I couldn’t see how I could pull that off while being casual. He kept rolling his eyes and gesturing towards the hallway as subtly as he could.

“What are you doing hyung?”

Not subtle enough, apparently.

“Oh for… Come on.”

Kihyun stood up and grabbed my hand, tugging me off Hoseok’s lap.

“Yah! What are…”

“I need a second of gossip,” Kihyun tugged me down the hall.

“Ooh! I want to know!” Minhyuk started after us.

“Nope, no,” Kihyun held his hand up, stopping Minhyuk in his tracks. “Not yet.”

“Same rules!” Shownu called after us.

“Don’t worry!” Kihyun replied.

“I don’t like Kihyun either!” I yelled.

“Don’t care! Door stays open!”

I was getting a headache from rolling my eyes so much.

Kihyun tugged me into the vacant bathroom. He crossed his arms and gave me a sceptical look.

“What?”

“You don’t like Wonho?”

“Of course not,” I scoffed, “he’s  **such a pain**.”

“Okay, well,” he raised an eyebrow, “we could all hear you from the other room you know.”

“And?”

He rolled his eyes so exaggeratedly that I heard his neck crack in the process.

“It sounded like you  **really** like Wonho.”

“I don’t though?”

“I’m just saying,” he spread his hands, “it sounded bad. Look,” he perched himself on the counter, “it’s not my business what’s going on with you and Wonho. But Jooheon is my friend. I thought you liked him, I even told him that he should make a move since he likes you too.”

He ran his hand through his hair, apparently irritated. I took a seat on the edge of the tub opposite him.

“I do like Jooheon. You know that.”

“Then you need to stop this plan that Wonho came up with. It’s only going to make things worse.”

“Then what do you think I should do?”

“I think you should let go of the idea that just because he’s a man he should be the first to move.”

“Yah!”

The two of us looked up at the doorway. Hoseok stood there, looking annoyed.

“My plan is perfect Kihyun.” His jaw was tight, as if he were gritting his teeth. “Stay out of it.”

“I think he’s right.”

“What? Kihyun doesn’t know anything.”

“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that all you’re doing is making Jooheon feel bad.”

“You take it too far,” I nodded, “it makes it seem like you and I are together.”

“But… You agreed to this! You said you’d try anything!”

“And it’s not working. You need to-”

“Nobody asked you Kihyun!”

“Actually I did.”

“Ugh! Just…” Hoseok stormed off momentarily. Kihyun and I had another non-verbal exchange, neither of us knowing what Hoseok’s problem was.

Hoseok reappeared, my coat in hand, tugging his own over-clothes back into place. He tossed the coat to me.

“Come on.”

“Where? It’s like midnight.”

“I don’t know yet. We need to talk.”

“Fine,” I tugged my coat on, “how did I end up with such a whiny best friend?”

Kihyun was just watching the exchange between us. His face had changed. I wish I had at least a second to talk to him, because he looked like he had just solved the world’s biggest mystery.

“The real question is how I ended up with such a slow best friend.”

“Maybe if I knew what was so fucking urgent I’d be moving faster,” I stood up, snapping the last button on my coat.

“Fucking… finally,” Hoseok grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the exit. Kihyun followed slightly behind us, offering me a “stay strong” face as I put my shoes on.

* * *

Five minutes later, I stood on the roof of the building with Hoseok. I kicked at some scattered cigarette butts while he seemed to work himself up.

“So,” I dug my hands deeper into my pockets, glad that my leggings were as thick as they were. “What’s your fucking problem?”

“What happens if Jooheon doesn’t like you?”

I shrugged.

“It would suck, but I’d get over it, I guess. Why?”

He seemed to be actively avoiding facing me.

“What if one of the other guys liked you?”

“Well, that might be awkward for a minute,” I settled back against the bricks that housed the stairs, “but I’m sure it’d work out somehow.”

Hoseok finally turned to face me. He moved closer.

“Work out how?”

“I don’t know man,” I huddled closer to him, using his body to block the wind. “It depends on who it was I guess.”

“Monbebe…”

“Ugh, I told you not to call me that.”

I felt the bricks on my back, Hoseok pressing against my front. One of his hands lifted my chin to look at him, his thumb brushing against my lower lip.

“What if it was me?”

I couldn’t help it. He was clearly being serious. I tried so hard not to, but I started laughing.

“I… Oh my god… Hoseok I’m sorry… I’m not… I just… I… Ah shit…”

He just took a step back and waited for me to stop. If I thought he looked upset before, it was nothing compared with his face now. The look was quickly replaced with a sarcastic one as he moved closer to me once more.

“I’m going to assume that was just your reaction out of surprise,” he had me against the wall again, both of his forearms resting against the bricks on either side of my head, “so let me try this again.”

“Hoseok…”

“I like you. I thought it was just physical before, but these last few weeks… Being so close, taking you out, acting as if we were together… I want to keep it that way.”

“But Jooheon…”

“Give up on Jooheon. He might think he likes you but it’s just a crush,” Hoseok leaned closer to me, his lips just centimetres away from mine now. “If he really wanted you he would have tried something by now.”

“Hoseok…”

“Let me try…”

His lips were gentle, but quickly turned demanding. He took one of my hands in his. Attempting to orchestrate a more passionate scene, he pulled it to the back of his neck. I quickly slid it to his chest to push him away.

“Monbebe…”

“Don’t call me that.”

That was all it took. We knew each other. We understood. He understood. Taking a step back, he fixed his hair and flashed me a trying-too-hard smile.

“Right. Well, I had hoped that would go differently. I guess that in addition to everything else that you’re loyal too.”

His voice cracked slightly as he spoke, betraying his attempt at joking the situation away. The cold wind bit at my skin, kicking my body into action.

“I’m going back down.”

He just nodded in response, hunching his shoulders. I couldn’t be sure, but I was fairly certain he refused to look at me, even after my back was turned.

* * *

* * *

I debated going back to the dorm. Winding my way down the stairs, I weighed my need to speak with Jooheon against not wanting to see Hoseok again today. Jooheon won. I suspected that he always would.

Kihyun came to the entry when he heard me enter. I kicked my shoes off as he looked me over.

“Wonho…”

“Shut up.”

“Wow.”

“Yep.”

“Well…”

“Where’s Jooheon?”

“His room.”

“Right.”

The majority of the boys were still in the living room. They had switched to video games now. Minhyuk glanced up as I passed through the room.

“Where’s Wonho?”

“Roof.”

* * *

I didn’t waste any more time than necessary on my way to the back bedroom. Nor did I waste time with knocking. I opened the door to find Changkyun sprawled on his bunk, reading something on his phone. Jooheon sat with a notebook on his lap. They both locked their gaze on me. I ran out of steam momentarily.

“What’s up?”

“I… Uh… Changkyun, can you give me a minute?”

Changkyun sat up, giving me a concerned look.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I hope. I just need to talk to Jooheon.”

He gave me a blank look.

“In  **private** , Changkyun.”

His eyes went wide. Quickly standing, he stuttered as he awkwardly left the room.

“Oh… Right… I’ll just… Shownu said that the door…”

“Just go!”

“Right. Okay.”

He disappeared gracelessly. Being left alone with Jooheon, I immediately wished he hadn’t. Jooheon carefully closed his notebook and slid the pencil into the spiral binding. Placing both items beside him on the bed, he looked up at me a little coldly.

“What’s up?”

“Do you like me?”

_Well done. Very smooth. A+ job._

“Of course not.”

_Brilliant. Everything is going so well._

“O… oh. I… Huh… I just thought…”

“That just because I let you flirt with me that I liked you?”

I couldn’t look at him. My face felt like it was on fire.

“Sorry. I didn’t…”

“You thought that just because you can make me blush that I liked you?”

His voice was a little louder, his tone angry and stern. It was like he was in his stage persona.

“I just thought…”

“You thought I was the type of guy that goes after my friend’s girlfriend?”

“Jooheon…”

He was standing now, coming towards where I stood next to one of the bunk beds.

“You think that just because I can’t talk when you’re around that I like you?”

“Stop.”

He had reached me now. He lifted one hand, resting it against the guardrail of the bunk behind my head.

“You think that just because you’re the only thing I think about that I like you?” He leaned forward, his voice dropping slightly. “That just because I can’t stand the thought of another man, of my bandmate, touching you, that I would betray him?”

“No.”

He looked taken aback. He obviously hadn’t expected that answer.

“You… What?”

“I thought maybe you liked me, yes. But you never  **did**  anything,” I dropped to sit on the bunk behind me, “you never went any further than some flirting or skinship,” I tried to make myself look up at him, but quickly dropped my gaze. He looked so angry, and confused.

“Tch! Does Wonho know what kind of girl he’s dating? Or does he like this sort of thing?” Somehow, he sounded almost hopeful.

“Wonho and I aren’t… I mean he confessed but we’re not… dating.”

I was almost sure that I could hear Jooheon blinking, but I kept my eyes on his shoes.

“I’m not like that. I don’t like Wonho. I like you. Or, I did, but if you…”

“You’re not dating Wonho? You like me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t, since you think I’m some kind of…”

Lips on mine. No contrivances when my hand lifted this time.

Jooheon pulled away slightly.

“Okay, just to confirm…”

“I am not now, nor have I ever dated Shin Hoseok,” I told the technical truth.

“And you like me?”

“Yes. For ages.”

“Then why were you and Wonho…?”

“It was a dumb idea that he came up with. It was stupid. Never mind it.”

“Okay,” he kissed me again, “I can never mind… for now.” He tugged on my lower lip slightly, “just remind me,” his hands were pulling me flush against him, “who you like?”

“Jooheon…”

“Mm?” His lips were on my neck.

“I like you Jooheon,” I managed to get most of the sentence out before his teeth on my skin made me moan.

“Ah…” He pulled back and looked at me. He was blushing furiously, but still trying to come across as manly. “Can… can I make you… make that sound again?”

I gripped his collar, pulling him close.

“Slow down a bit.”

He nodded quickly before kissing me again.


	4. Chapter 4

For a while Hoseok and I were in a weird place. Fortunately, our friendship was worth something, so he kept his shit together around Jooheon. Unfortunately, he wasn't so great with the rest of the band when Jooheon wasn't around. Even the most oblivious members had picked up on it.

Which was how I found myself dealing with an awkward conversation.

"What's up with you and Wonho?"

My eyes were probably bulging. I was internally screaming. I would have preferred for literally anyone else to have asked me this.

"I don't know what you mean."

Hyunwoo clearly wasn't buying it.

"Don't bullshit me. Something happened between you two," he stared me down, hands on hips. "You guys break up or get in a fight or what?"

I was in awe. For a second I let myself wonder what living in Hyunwoo's world must be like. _Hoseok and I dating? Wild._

"We were never dating."

Hyunwoo smirked.

"I might not pick up on everything, but I'm not an idiot."

_Amazing._

"Appa," I felt like I was reminding someone with Alzheimer's that their wife was dead, "I'm dating Jooheon."

Hyunwoo's face went blank. After a minute of processing this, he swallowed and nodded.

"Oh."

I waited for him to process a bit more.

"Did you know that Wonho loves you?"

I regretted volunteering to go with Hyunwoo to the corner store. I regretted going to the dorm that day. I regretted waking up. I stared at a rack of crisps, trying to think of how to handle this conversation.

"We've been best friends for ages," I started cautiously, "he's never really had to share me before."

Hyunwoo observed the triangle kimbap. He gasped softly and turned to me.

"You're dating Jooheon? How long has that been a thing?"

This is not how I would have liked to have told the band.

* * *

"Jooheon, can I talk to you for a second?"

He looked a little worried as he followed me back to his room. As soon as the door was shut, he was wrapping his arms around me.

"What's wrong? I'm sorry."

I laughed and pecked his cheek.

"Relax. I'm the apologising one."

"Oh. Well I forgive you. Man," he squeezed me tightly, "I am **so good** at relationships!"

_This dork._

"Joohoney... I told appa about us dating."

He pulled back to look at me.

"Like... Shownu appa or your father? Either way, that took longer than I expected."

He was taking this surprisingly well.

"Hyunwoo. He thought Wonho and I were a thing, so I had to explain."

"Okay."

I looked at him in wonder.

"How are you so calm about this?"

He smiled a cheesy grin and kissed my cheek.

"Are you kidding me? I would have told the whole world the second I first kissed you," he let me go and opened up the door.

"I was just waiting on you. And now that Shownu knows..." he practically skipped towards the living room, raising his voice.

"Hey guys! Guess who has a girlfriend!"

I heard Hyungwon shout back from somewhere in the dorm.

"We know! We knew before you did! Jesus Christ you are stupid!"

* * *

I also heard a door slam. Ignoring the sounds of conversation in the common area, I went to the other bedroom. I knocked softly, not looking forward to this conversation.

"What?"

I tried the door handle, but it was locked.

"Oppa... Let me in."

There was no sound for a minute. Then the door swung open.

I had seen this expression on Hoseok before. But it had never been directed at me. It was the angry face that he would make before his frustrated crying would start. As his friend I always hated seeing it. As the person who was at least partially responsible for it I felt like crying myself.

"Shouldn't you be getting congratulated with Joohoney?"

Crossing my arms, I didn't respond. I knew I just had to wait it out.

I saw the tell-tale sign, his nostrils flaring slightly, a deep breath. He cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry."

He was blinking furiously now, not looking directly at me.

"Hoseokie... You don't have to be sorry. I know it's not the best for you," I leaned against the door frame, "but can't you try to be happy for me?"

"I don't want to. I..." He clamped his mouth shut as footsteps approached. Minhyuk bustled past us.

"I think Shownu is broken. Kihyun's about to pull a muscle from being so smug..."

He kept talking as he shuffled through his stuff. Pulling a sweatshirt over his head, he headed back towards the common area.

"I'm glad you two are talking again."

It was such a simple sentiment, and he said it in such an offhand way, and I felt like I wanted to cry. Swallowing thickly I turned back towards Hoseok.

"Yah, no... Come on," he pulled me into a hug, "crying is my thing. Don't look like that."

"I want to be friends again," I muffled into his shirt.

"We are friends. Yah, stop that. You're going to make me cry." He was pulling me into the room now. I heard the door shut behind us. "We can't both cry. You know how messy that will get."

I snorted slightly. He was right, of course. We were both pretty emotional people. I hit his chest half-heartedly.

"This is all your fault, jerk."

He pulled away from me, sitting down on his bed. He leaned back on his hands and looked up at me.

"How is it my fault?"

"You... You're my best friend! You're supposed to always help me with things, and get me in trouble, and be happy when good things happen!" I plucked tissues out of the box he was now holding up for me. Pressing them against my eyes I continued.

"You're not supposed to get all moody and upset when things go right for me."

"Monbebe..."

My breath was catching. I had been ignoring how upset I was with Hoseok, but now that I was talking to him about it...

"Monbebe, come here."

He tugged me down, settling onto the mattress with me. I felt guilty for making him take care of me when he must have had just as much, if not more, that he wanted to say. Of course, that guilt just compounded everything else.

Pulling me against his chest, he started running his fingers through my hair as I talked into his shirt.

"I don't know how to do this. I've never really dated anyone before. You should be giving me advice and threatening Jooheon against hurting me. But no. You had to get all weird about it. Even Hyunwoo noticed! He asked me if we had broken up."

Hoseok laughed at that.

"We kind of did."

"Oppa!" I wriggled in protest, "we were never dating!"

"Don't I know it."

He adjusted his position on the bed. He was face to face with me now.

"I am acutely aware of the fact that we were never really together. We weren't dating, we just went on dates. We weren't in a relationship, we just... helped each other out. We weren't in love, we just loved each other."

"As friends."

He closed his eyes and furrowed his brows. I sat up and grabbed the tissue box. Pushing it into his hand, I laid back down next to him. He pulled a tissue out and just laid it over his face.

"I've been going through stages, you know?"

I shook my head, then realised he couldn’t see it.

“What do you mean?”

"Telling myself things. That it won't last that long. That he's not right for you. He'll fuck it up eventually. You'll realise that he's not the one. All sorts of things..." His jaw tightened and flexed slightly. He briefly wiped his eyes and sat up to look down at me. "There's really only one thing that actually seems to help though."

"What is it?"

His expression was hard, but kind of smug, now. I had rarely seen that look before. It had only been, now that I thought of it, whenever I told him that one of my previous relationships had ended.

"It's not... It will sound bad to you."

I shrugged.

"Yeah, because me telling you how annoyed I am at you for having feelings sounded great, right?"

He smirked.

"Fine." He wrapped his arms around me, lying back down. "I just remind myself," he pulled me to lay my head on his shoulder, "that even if he has you now," he lowered his voice to what I thought of as his dirty talk whisper, "I had you first."

"Gross. That's such masculine bullshit."

"You weren't complaining at the time."

"Fine. But you shouldn't be thinking about that stuff now."

"Hmm," he wriggled slightly, noticeably putting same space between our lower bodies.

"Easier said than done monbebe."

I rolled my eyes and sat up.

"Well, since you're being creepy, I'm assuming that we're cool now?"

He sighed heavily and sat up as well.

"As cool as I can be while the girl I'm in love with is fucking some other guy."

"Oh please.” I snorted. “You saw how slow he was just with flirting. You think he's suddenly a man of action now that we're dating?"

He handed me the tissue box, one eyebrow raising.

"Want me to give him some pointers?"

"No." Taking some tissues, I stood up and started cleaning my face in Hoseok's mirror. "It's kind of cute, you know? Innocent. Shit, where's your eyeliner?"

* * *

"Did you change your makeup?"

I settled myself into Jooheon's lap in the living room.

"Yeah. I'll explain later."

"Oh come on," Kihyun started, "we all know that you and Wonho are both criers."

Hyungwon looked up from his phone. Pursing his lips, he glanced between me and Hoseok.

"So did you guys make up? Because, and don't even argue Hoseok, that was getting unbearable."

"One last thing,” Hoseok's face went sour and he made eye contact with Jooheon, “can we talk?"

* * *

"Dropping eaves?"

I looked up to see Minhyuk.

"No. Shut up."

"What do you think they're talking about?" He settled to lean against the hallway wall with me. I shrugged.

"Maybe Hoseok is finally doing the best friend thing."

Minhyuk hummed, then laughed.

"What if they get in a fight?"

I snorted.

"I don't think either of them are dumb enough to do that."

Minhyuk hummed again.

It was impossible to make out words through the door. Even tone of voice was difficult. Minhyuk cleared his throat.

"So... What exactly is the story with you and Wonho?"

I looked up at the boy next to me. He looked a little embarrassed.

"What do you guys think it was?"

"What?"

"Come on," I squinted at him, "you guys must have some theories."

"Well," he stuttered slightly, "the-there were some ideas."

"Such as?"

"Um... I thought you two were... You know... Like, a thing. You didn't seem like girlfriend and boyfriend but you were obviously **some** thing."

"Hmm." I didn't want to give anything away. "What else?"

"With the trainees... After Seokwon was eliminated..."

I groaned.

"I knew he couldn't keep his mouth shut."

Minhyuk laughed and shook his head.

"He called you his good luck charm."

"I guess that's why he dumped me when he was eliminated. But what was the rumour?"

"He said... Well," Minhyuk looked uncomfortable, "Seokwon said you were... you know... Stefani Michova."

I laughed.

"Are you kidding me? If that were true I would have arranged a threesome with Kwangji and Gunhee."

Minhyuk made a disgustedly confused face.

"Why Kwangji?"

I shrugged.

"I like sweet boys, you know?"

Minhyuk nodded thoughtfully. Then he seemed to remember we were talking about sex and shook his head fervently.

"But what's the..."

The door swung open violently. Jooheon was practically shouting as he exited the room backwards.

"... bullshit! You don't know a damn thing about me Wonho! You're just a sore fucking loser!"

Jooheon bustled past Minhyuk and I. We stared at each other as Hoseok appeared in the doorway.

"I don't need to know about you! I've known her for my entire fucking life!"

Jooheon reappeared at the end of the hallway. This cued Minhyuk and I into action. I pushed Minhyuk towards Wonho while I headed for Jooheon.

"You're fucking delusional man! You just can't deal..." Jooheon's face immediately changed as I reached him. "Baby don't worry about this, okay? Hyung and I just need to..."

"Shush. Yah..." I leaned up and kissed his cheek. "I know how fighting with Hoseok goes. Just walk away. Come with me."

Shownu appeared next to us.

"What the fuck is going on?"

The four of us went still and silent. Shownu looked around at us expectantly.

"Well?"

"Appa..."

"Wonho and I just had an argument is all," Jooheon interrupted.

"It wasn't an argument. I was just laying out the facts."

"The facts?! What facts?! Because all I heard was a bunch of... I know jagi, I'm sorry."

I had my hands on Jooheon's shoulders. He kept apologising as I pushed him back, leading him out of the hallway and away from Hoseok.

In the living room we were greeted by the gazes of Hyungwon, Kihyun, and Changkyun. I lifted a hand to point at each of them in turn.

"Shut up, shut up, and super shut up. Now," I turned back to Jooheon, "go put your shoes on. I'll grab your jacket from your room."

Hoseok was still in the hallway, arguing with Hyunwoo and Minhyuk. He spotted me as I went into Jooheon's room.

"Monbebe... I..."

"We can talk later Hoseok."

He stared at me, hurt obvious on his face.

"Come on man," Minhyuk tried to direct him back into his room. 


	5. Chapter 5

“So,” I set a coffee on the table in front of Jooheon, “want to tell me what he said?” **  
**

“A bunch of fucking bullshit is what he said. Sorry.”

I laughed, jabbing a straw into my fizzy lemonade.

“You don’t have to apologise for swearing. I am a grown up you know.”

“I know.” He stirred his coffee absently. “I want to be better than that with you though.”

“I’m an adult Joohoney. You can swear if you want to.”

He nodded glumly. I tilted my head.

“What’s wrong? Why’s my Piglet acting more like Eeyore?”

“Wonho.”

My fingers dug into the fabric of my pants.

“What about Wonho?”

“He… He said some things. About you.”

_Oh god oh god oh god please no._

“What sort of things?” I tried to keep my voice level.

Jooheon looked up at me, eyebrows knit.

_Shit! Was I not level? Too level?_

“Am I moving too slow? He said he was surprised you weren’t bored yet.”

Relief consumed me. I laughed.

“What do you mean? You’re fine.”

“But you thought I didn’t like you because of how slow I was. You and Wonho went through that whole thing just to get a rise out of me. I just don’t want to mess up, and I figure it’s better to go slow than to rush anything.”

“Well,” I twisted my hands in my lap, “maybe you could go a little faster? It would be nice, sometimes.”

“Like what?”

“Like… I don’t know… You’re always so sweet, which is great! But… Gosh this is embarrassing in public.”

“Just tell me jagi.”

“Well… Don’t you think of me? You know… As a woman?”

“Of course. You’re the only woman I really talk to.”

“No, I mean… As your woman. Your girlfriend… Somebody that you could…”

He was staring at me blankly. I sucked my teeth and shook my head.

“Nevermind.”

* * *

 

About a week had passed since the argument between Jooheon and Hoseok. Everything had settled down. Hoseok was a little more relaxed. Jooheon was just about the same, though maybe a bit clingier.

I stood in the kitchen of the dorm, preparing a large pot of ramyun. Kihyun was next to me, cutting up vegetables to make dinner resemble something healthy.

After a while, he set his knife down next to half a red pepper.

“I think Jooheon isn’t interested in sex.”

I dropped the spoon into the pot. Kihyun’s hand darted forward, grabbing my wrist. Good thing too, since my first instinct was to reach into the boiling liquid after the spoon.

“Watch it!”

I blinked, staring into the pot. I turned to look at Kihyun.

“What? What do you mean?”

Turning down the flame, he pulled me away from the stove. I sank onto one of the stools by the counter.

“Well… I’m not sure. He hasn’t really tried anything, right?”

“We are not having this conversation. Of course he’s interested in… I mean… He was all jealous over Wonho, right? He likes kissing me, and says he likes when I… Uh…”

“When you moan,” Kihyun nodded, “I know. We’ve talked about it.”

“You what?!” I could have died from embarrassment. _Why would Jooheon talk about that? Why would he talk to **Kihyun** about that? Of all people… At least it wasn’t Hyunwoo._

Kihyun started on the vegetables again.

“He was worried after that fight with Wonho. He says he likes some stuff, but not all of it.”

“Some stuff…” I repeated dully. That would explain his hesitation. I shook my head.

“Okay… So… God this is a weird conversation. What kind of stuff does he like?”

Kihyun shrugged.

“Teen stuff. Kissing, making out, feeling your body. He said he likes the warmth and the curves, but he just doesn’t really care to go further.”

I was trying to be understanding. Internally though… I wondered what was so repulsive about me.

“Did he…” I thought about how to phrase my concerns without sounding accusatory.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Hearing my voice crack, Kihyun dropped the knife. He circled around the counter and put his hands on my shoulders.

“No. Not at all. He loves you - so much. He’s so into you that it’s annoying sometimes.”

My throat felt dry. I nodded, but had to sniff back tears.

“Then why wouldn’t he want… that?”

Kihyun looked distressed. I realised that Jooheon probably asked him to talk to me. This was probably more than he bargained for.

“He just doesn’t. And it’s not because of you. He doesn’t want it with anyone.”

“Did I ruin it? Maybe Hoseok said something and now he thinks that I’m n-”

“Yah! I just told you that he’s crazy for you.” Kihyun stared at me intently until I nodded.

“Good. And Wonho didn’t say anything about that. But you should probably talk to him about it before Wonho spills it,” Kihyun grimaced, “you know how petty he gets when he’s angry.”

I nodded. It was honestly a miracle that Hoseok hadn’t said anything yet.

“Alright. Now, I’m going to finish this,” he gestured to the food, “you go talk to Joo. He’s in his room, probably nervous as No.Mercy.”

I hiccuped a laugh, and nodded. Kihyun smiled, giving my shoulder a reassuring pat.

* * *

 

Jooheon had his notebook out, but was just staring at the wall. His leg was bouncing quickly, causing a rhythmic squeak in his chair.

“Joohoney.”

He bounded up out of his chair at my voice. Spinning, he faced me, hesitating. Always hesitating.

I gave him a nervous smile. He crossed to where I was, pulling my lips to his.

“I love you. I love you. I love you…”

He kept repeating the words between kisses. I pulled away and his hands dropped to his sides.

We stared at each other for a minute.

“I’m sorry princess.”

“I love you too.”

Our words collided. I shook my head.

“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault.”

He licked his lips and watched me intently.

“It’s… it’s not my fault, is it?”

“Baby! Princess. No! It’s not anyone’s fault! I just… I’ve never really had,” he furrowed his brow, “interest.”

“But you… When you’re on stage? You look like you… would be interested.”

That felt lame. Everything felt lame. Did a good explanation exist? Maybe, but I didn’t know it.

“That’s just… Monsta X. That’s stage Jooheon. I have to be like that, or no one would be interested.”

I sat on Changkyun’s bed. Jooheon stayed standing, watching me.

“Okay…” I sighed.

“Can you help me? To understand?”

“Sure, of course,” he sat back in his chair and wheeled over to me. He smiled, sheepish.

“What… Do you have questions?”

I had a million questions. Most of them were versions of “is it my fault?” That felt selfish though. I opted for basics.

“What’s okay? To do, I mean.”

Jooheon smiled brighter. He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose.

“Well, for starters…”

It was a long conversation. There were things he liked (kissing, skinship, when I made sounds…), things he was ambivalent about (nudity, my nipples, grinding…), and things he distinctly didn’t like (direct genital contact, his nipples…). It was going to take some getting used to.

“I think that’s everything.”

I nodded, slowly, then shook my head. I had to say something. I needed to do something. I needed…

“I need to talk to Hoseok.”

I stood up, heading for the door, only to be stopped by Jooheon’s hands around my shoulders.

“Why?”

“He’s my best friend. He’ll… know what to do.”

Jooheon’s arms tightened around me.

“He wants to take you away from me,” he mumbled, burying his face in my neck.

For a second, for a split second that made me hate myself, I considered letting Hoseok have his way.

“I know I’m… different,” Jooheon turned me to face him, “but maybe I can fix this. If we go slow,” he licked his lips nervously, “maybe I can change.”

Part of me wanted to agree. But then I thought of Donggeun. Would I have asked him to try to “fix” his attraction to men?

I shook my head.

“No, Jooheon… You’re fine the way you are. I don’t want you to change. I just… I need to talk this out with someone who knows me.”

“I know you, don’t I?”

“It’s different. He’s known me since I was five.”

* * *

 

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Hoseok smirked at the mirror, not pausing from his dance practice.

“You’ve never fucked a boyfriend before. Why start now?”

I threw his sweatshirt at him. He caught it, laughing.

“It’s not funny Hoseok!”

“It’s fucking hilarious. All this time I was wondering if he was better than me,” he shut off the music and stood, shaking his head, “and here it turns out that he doesn’t even care to try.”

_Why did I think talking to him would be a good idea?_

“Maybe I should try talking to Minhyuk instead.”

“Alright, alright,” he pulled his sweatshirt over his head and sat on the floor next to me, “I’ll stop. What are you planning to do?”

I leaned against him, settling into my familiar place.

“I don’t know. He offered to try changing but… I can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to.”

“Why not?” Hoseok shrugged. “If he’s willing to try it out, what’s the problem?”

I shook my head. He wriggled his arm free and draped it around me.

“He’s the one that suggested it, right?”

“It’s not like I want to go to a movie he doesn’t want to see.”

Hoseok hummed. He rubbed little circles into my shoulder.

“What if…”

I looked up at him as he trailed off. He carefully avoided looking at me.

“How important is sex? To you?”

I shrugged.

“I don’t know. It’s what you do to show someone you love them. It’s… important.”

“You didn’t love me,” he pointed out.

“That’s different,” I grumbled, “that was… getting off. Stress relief. In a relationship it’s different. You’re trying to get as close as you can to the person you love.”

“You can be close without sex.”

“It’s different!”

I stood up and started pacing.

“Besides! Have you seen Jooheon? He was built for sex! He was hand-crafted by the gods! Have you seen his thighs?! I just want to sink my teeth into them!”

Hoseok laughed, nodding.

“That’s fair. They are really nice, aren’t they?”

I wasn’t listening. I kept pacing, moving my hands through the air to illustrate my words.

“Plus I love him! But he doesn’t want me to touch him like that. He doesn’t want to touch me! It might be stupid,” I stopped pacing and faced the mirror. I ran my hands over my body before continuing.

“… but a lot of a girl’s self-esteem is based on how nasty their boyfriend wants to get with them!” I turned and stared at Hoseok.

“What about a family? He loves kids. How are we going to have kids?”

Hoseok’s eyebrows flew upwards.

“Kids? Who’s talking about kids? You two are kids!”

“Not the point, grandpa!”

Hoseok pushed himself off the floor and held out his arms. Moping, I shuffled into them.

“It just feels like he doesn’t really love me. God I am so selfish!”

I buried my face into Hoseok’s sweatshirt. It was a useless attempt at hiding the fact that I was crying. Even if he didn’t know me well enough to know, my shoulders were heaving.

“Hush. Monbebe…”

“Don’t call me that.”

“He loves you. Trust me. He had murder in his eyes when I told him you two wouldn’t last long.”

I pushed back and glared up at him.

“You said that to him?!”

“Not the point.”

“Kind of the point!”

“Not the point. He loves you, and you’re not selfish. Sex is personal, and you want to share it with your boyfriend. That’s fine. He’s just not into it, which is also fine.”

I dug my head back into his chest.

“I feel ugly.”

“Yah…”

“Or annoying.”

“Yaaah…”

“Or maybe he’s just with me because he doesn’t know how to get out.”

“Yah!” Hoseok shook me back and forth.

“Stop saying that shit! Do I seem like the kind of person who would fuck someone like that? Get a hold of yourself.”

He cupped my face in his hands. Staring into my eyes as he spoke gently.

“You are beautiful, and great to hang out with, and smart, and incredibly fucking sexy. Okay?”

I bit my lip and nodded.

“Okay. And if you ever forget it, I’ll remind you.” He walked me back, until my back hit the mirrored wall.

“I’ve half a mind to remind you right here against the mirrors.”

I grimaced.

“Hoseokie.”

“I know,” he quickly pecked my forehead, “I’m joking. Mostly. But it might be something to think about. If Jooheon won’t fuck you, I’ll be glad to take over.”

I wriggled out of his hands.

“Good chat. Oh boy look at the time. I’ve got to get to… church. You should try it out sometime.”

Hoseok laughed.

“Alright, alright. Go tell your boyfriend you still love him.”

I picked up my bag and opened the door.

“Thanks, Hoseok.”

“No problem,” Hoseok smiled, “monbebe.”


	6. Chapter 6

"Joohoney?"

The lump of blankets stretched and wriggled. Eventually two eyes revealed themselves, blinking up at me.

"Jagi?"

"I love you."

More of his face poked out, revealing a bright grin. He lifted his hands towards me, frantically waving me towards him.

I crawled onto the mattress. He lifted his blanket to let me in. My eyes caught on his body. He was clad only in boxers and a t-shirt.

Taking a deep breath, I laid next to him. I was awkward. I wanted to straddle him. I wanted to grind against him, to get him hard, to feel him need me. But I couldn't. That wasn't for us.

I laid flat on my back next to him. He draped an arm and a leg over me, pulling me closer to his body.

"I missed you. Did you talk to Wonho?"

I tried not to think of how close to each other we were.

"Mm."

"What did he say?"

I could feel his breath on my neck. The tiniest things were driving me crazy, now that I knew that I couldn't follow up on them.

"He said it shouldn't matter since I... Uh..." I had painted myself into a corner.

"I, uh, I never had sex... in a... um..."

"I know about you and him."

I sat up, looking down at Jooheon in shock.

"You knew? How did you know? He said he didn't tell you!"

Jooheon laughed, tugging me back down.

"I came home early from recording one time. You weren't exactly quiet."

I had no words. My mouth was hanging open but my mind was blank.

Jooheon nuzzled into my neck and hummed.

"I don't mind. But that's why I thought you two were together."

"I should have told you."

He shook his head, his chin rubbing against my shoulder.

"It's okay. You two were just..." he shrugged, "having fun. Besides," he leaned up and kissed my cheek, "only I get to kiss you now."

"Well, actually..."

Jooheon leaned up on his arm. He looked mortified.

"What?!"

"Hoseok kissed me on the forehead. When we talked."

Jooheon scrambled to sit up on his knees.

Everything felt backwards.

"Why would he do that? Why would you let him?"

I pushed myself up and reached for one of his hands. He jerked away.

"Joohoney... It's not a big deal. It was my forehead. Like he's my brother or something."

"But he's not your brother! He's..." Jooheon buried his face in his hands.

"Joohoney..."

"I can't do what most boyfriends would do. I can't, and I'm sorry about that. So this is..." he dropped his hands and looked at me steadily.

"There has to be something, okay? Something just for us."

Only half understanding, I nodded.

"I can't show you that I love you in the normal way, so I kiss you instead. If someone else can do that... It feels like mine won't mean as much."

That made more sense.

"I'm sorry. I... I didn't even think of it."

Jooheon collapsed onto the mattress. He spoke into the pillow.

"It's dumb, right? I want something special, for us... To make up for it."

"No. It's not dumb. It's just," I shuffled down and laid facing him, "a little like high school. Cute, you know?"

"I don't want you to sit with him at lunch," Jooheon pouted. Then his face broke into a wide grin.

"I love you princess."

He wrapped his arms around me.

I let myself be selfish. Just for a second.

"Promise?"

"Promise. Promise not to let anyone kiss you?"

I hummed and made an exaggerated thinking face. Jooheon wiggled me a little.

"Yaaahhh~"

"What about my grandma? She kisses my cheek every time I see her."

Jooheon made a face that I could only describe as "annoyed lizard".

"You know what I mean. Don't let Wonho kiss you. Even on your forehead. Not even your hand. Only me, okay?"

"Hoseokie's going to complain."

He nestled his face in my hair.

"I don't care. I'm your boyfriend. Not him."

* * *

 

Changkyun and I stared dully at the television. Madrid was not doing well.

"This is brutal."

"I know he had his problems, but Benítez got shit done."

With a hum, we fell back into silence. Madrid kept not doing well.

"So Jooheon really doesn't like sex?"

I barely batted an eye. _Of course everyone would find out._ I lifted some popcorn to my lips.

"Yep."

The defence was awful today.

"Oh come on Casemiro! Fucking idiot... That's gotta suck for you."

I nodded, revelling in Casemiro's shame.

"Sometimes."

"What about Wonho?"

I finally tore my eyes away from the TV. I squinted at Changkyun.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't bother pretending. I know everything that happens in the dorms. Like why there are soap suds on Minhyuk's toothbrush."

I held a hand up and closed my eyes.

"Please don't explain. You're too smart for your own good."

"Tell me about it. I could tell you things to make you never want to come over again. Like what sort of porn Hyungwon likes."

He turned to smile at me.

"But that's besides the point. What about Wonho?"

"Cheating is cheating."

Changkyun shrugged and looked back to the screen.

"Just don't kiss him."

I groaned.

"Jooheon talked to you about that?"

"No."

He didn't offer any more explanation than that. I assumed he had overheard something. Secrets were all but impossible with these boys sometimes. Especially Changkyun. He had the ability to use a suspicion to get information out of people.

"I don't get it. He's doing him and that's great but I **know** you've got needs. He can't just bite the bullet and let you do you?"

His blasé way of talking about it was kind of relaxing. He was right where I had been: confused.

"It doesn't work like that," I shrugged.

"Is his dick broken or something? No offence or anything but if I were him..." Changkyun shook his head.

I was glad he didn't finish the sentence. Ever since I had found out about Jooheon's predilection, any thoughts of explicitly sexual acts had felt... wrong.

I sighed.

"Question," Changkyun proposed.

"Answer."

"How do you deal with it? Do you just masturbate a lot?"

"Changkyunah!"

I was a little shocked. Sure, Changkyun was relaxed about almost everything. I didn't think he was trying to be lewd. But still...

"What?" He shrugged, "I'm legitimately curious. I don't know what I'd do if my girlfriend told me she didn't want to do any kind of sex stuff ever."

I readjusted on the couch, tucking my legs under me.

"Well... I haven't... done that. Not since he told me."

Changkyun turned back to face me. His jaw was dropped and his eyebrows looked like tildes.

"Really? Why not?"

I stood up, heading for the kitchen. It was a poor escape attempt, but I was working on instinct.

"I'm not having this conversation with you. You are a child."

"Jesus Christ..." Changkyun followed me. He sat on the counter, watching me dig through the fridge.

"It's not like I want to know which techniques get you off. I could just ask Wonho for that."

"Hoseok wouldn't-"

Changkyun cleared his throat. I looked up and saw his expression.

"Hoseok **shouldn't** tell you that."

He smirked.

"Anyway... What's stopping you?"

I sighed, pulling a container of peach juice out.

"It feels wrong."

"Why?"

I busied myself with cups so I wouldn't have to look at him as I spoke.

"I'd think of Jooheon."

"So? What's wrong with that? You guys are dating."

"He wants nothing to do with the types of things I'd imagine. It would feel wrong to..."

I frowned, unsure how to end the sentence.

"Are you really avoiding it for his sake?"

Still not looking at him, I put the juice away. Taking my cup, I headed back to the living room.

"Why else would I avoid it?"

"For your sake."

I sat down in time to spot Benzema go for a shot.

"What?"

Changkyun sat next to me. He picked up the remote and paused the DVR.

Turning towards me, he crossed his arms.

"Well... If it were me... I'd avoid thinking of my girlfriend that way too. But it would be because if I thought of her like that, it would be harder to hold off when I was with her. So maybe you're doing the same thing."

I side-eyed Changkyun.

"Since when do I get advice from children?"

Changkyun grinned and shrugged.

"Who says I'm having this conversation for **your** sake?"

* * *

 

I lied in my own bed. The boys were busy. All of them. My other friends were like me. They needed to be studying. Except, unlike me, they were actually doing it.

I was just staring at my ceiling.

It didn't seem right. I'd slept with a grand total of one person. It didn't seem fair. _One person? Is that my destiny? Memories of Wonho's stupid smile whenever he..._

I shook my head. Best not to think about that.

On the other hand, maybe it was a blessing. The closest I had to a memory of bad sex was when we had both been too drunk to finish. Even then, the start had been nice. Not to mention he had more than made up for it the next morning.

> _My skin was hot. My stomach and thighs tingled. The memory of that slow, hungover, gentle morning sex was all I could think of._
> 
> _Hoseok leaned down, head in my neck, holding both of our brains as still as possible as he slowly thrust into me._
> 
> _"This is way better than aspirin."_
> 
> _It was nearly agonising to have him go so slow, but I knew if he went any faster we'd both end up with migraines._
> 
> _He sat up. Seated entirely inside of me, he slowly ground against me. I couldn't imagine he was getting much stimulation from it, but he had his teeth sunk into his lip._
> 
> _It worked fine for me though. He managed to rub his pubic bone against my clit, and I whined at the feeling. In response, his eyebrows would knit together and he'd whimper slightly._
> 
> _"Come on... Cum for me baby."_

I sat up in bed.

_I shouldn't be thinking about that. I have a boyfriend. I can't be thinking about other guys like that. Even if that was my only outlet._

I forced myself to get out of bed. I went to my desk and pulled out a textbook. Maybe some notes on mesothelioma would clear my mind.

I had a good studying swing going when my phone started ringing. I rolled my chair back to my bed and unearthed it from my blankets.

"Yeoboseyo?"

"Monbebe~!"

"What do you want Hoseok? I'm studying."

"Tha'ss boring. Com'ere instead. I miss you."

"I saw you yesterday."

"Noooo. You on'y saw Jooheoniiii an'then I hadda leave."

"I mediated a half hour long argument between you and Hyungwon."

"Tha'doesn' count. Come here."

It was obvious he probably needed an escort home. Time to play truancy officer.

"Where are you?"

* * *

 

The place was huge. Of course he'd be at the place that would take forever to search. Four floors and a roof's worth of dancing bodies for me to try to find one...

**Of course** he had talked his way on stage. He probably didn't know that the word "subtle" even existed.

I watched him nod and bounce to the music behind the DJ. He looked happy. Maybe I could let him dance for a while. At least this way I knew where he was.

After buying myself an overpriced drink, I stationed myself against a wall. Making sure to keep Hoseok in sight, I settled in to wait.

Six songs, and three drinks, later Hoseok somehow spotted me. He had signalled to me and disappeared. Not knowing what that combination of hand waves had meant, I stayed where I was. He could find me.

And find me he did.

"Monbebe~," his arms flopped around my shoulders, "come dance on stage."

That sounded like exactly the sort of thing that shouldn't happen.

"We should leave soon."

Hoseok groaned and wiggled in protest. He manoeuvred himself so that he had me in a back hug, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Let's dance down here then."

If anyone else had suggested it, maybe. But drunk Hoseok was sexual Hoseok. Best friends or no, it was probably better not to push it.

"No. Come on, I'm calling a cab."

He made a whining noise in my ear, gently moving against me in half-time with the music.

"Come oooonnn... It'll be like how we used to be."

I pinched the skin of his wrist and got away from him. Turning to face him, I put on my best glare.

"Hoseok, we have to leave."

He pouted, but let me pull him out of the crowd.

I was glad I was dressed plainly. Once again, I would be called "a Starship employee" in the official press release to explain away Hoseok's behaviour.

Honestly, they should be paying me for the number of times I've done something like this.

I got my pouting best friend out of the building, and into a cab. After giving the driver directions, I let Hoseok rest his head on my lap.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, Hoseok."

"You seem like you're mad at me."

Running my fingers through his hair, I stared out the window.

"Just rest. We'll talk when we get there."

* * *

 

"Appa!? Jooheon!? Anyone!?"

Hoseok wasn't particularly heavy, but the stairs had taken their toll on me. As soon as the door was open, I was looking for relief from my burden.

Hoseok had other plans though. He tightly clung to my shoulders.

"Yah, shush, shhhhhh... You said we could talk."

I groaned, and waved away Hyungwon. Why he was the only one who had appeared was a mystery, but he wasn't exactly the strong type.

He looked us both over and let out a quick chuckle.

"Again? Good thing we restocked the Tylenol."

With that, he disappeared back into his room. _Fucking... Diva._

I managed to get Hoseok onto the sofa. He was content to lounge there while I got him water and medicine. Giving it some thought, I got some of both for myself as well. I wasn't as drunk as him, but I wasn't a good drinker anyway.

I plopped myself onto the sofa next to him. He had put on some movie channel. I didn't know the movie, and it was already part-way through, so I decided I'd leave soon.

"You gotta be more careful Hoseokie."

His eyes stayed stuck on the screen.

"You need to loosen up."

"Loosen up? I need to loosen up?!" I sat up and glared at him.

"Yeah. It was just a little fun. Relax."

"You're putting your career at stake for a little fun! You were on the fucking stage dancing like some kind of stripper!" I smacked his shoulder.

"How can you do stuff like that?! Don't you remember everything your family went through just to get you to where you are now?!" I stood up, trying to intimidate him a little.

"And me?! I helped your mother as much as she would let me! And your members?!"

He stared up at me. An infuriating smirk was drawn across his lips.

"It's not just your hard work that you were going to throw away! What has gotten into you lately?!"

He stood up, effectively erasing any intimidation I might have had. I attempted to keep my ground though.

"You think it's funny to play with other people's lives like that?! What sort of asshole acts like that?! You want to go back to Anyang or something?!"

Hoseok was looking down at me now, having advanced enough that we were practically toe to toe.

And of course he still had that stupid smile on his face.

"You must really care about me, huh?"

"Don't even start."

"You worry about me. You came to take care of me. You even made sure to get me water."

I was running out of steam.

"Of course I did. I'm your friend."

"I think you like me."

"Oh my god," I raised a hand to my temple and closed my eyes, "can you control yourself for fucking once?"

"Just say it once. Just say 'Wonho-oppa, I really like you' one time, okay?"

It felt like being on the roof again. Hoseok's hands were firmly holding my shoulders, keeping me in place.

"Hoseokie..." I started cautiously, "I thought you trying to take care of your feelings."

"Yes. So just say this once. I'll be satisfied if you say it."

I looked up at him, trying to work out what he was doing.

His eyes were a little bloodshot, he smelled like alcohol, and he was staring at my mouth. He seemed tensed, like he was ready to run away at the first sign of trouble.

"I should go."

I pulled his hands off of me and stepped back. He just hung his head a little. I kept retreating, heading towards the exit.

"Make sure to drink more water and to get to sleep. I'll just..."

"Jin-ok."

I paused, my second shoe half on. Looking up, I was confronted by Hoseok's shirt. I stood up straight.

"What?"

"Say it."

I rolled my eyes and bent to finish putting on my shoe.

"It won't do any good. It will just be a lie and it will just hurt you more in the end. It'll get stuck in your head. So," I stood up, looking him in the eye again, "I'll be going now."

Hoseok grabbed my arm again, pulling me away from the door. He backed me up against the coats hanging on the wall.

"You're lying."

"What?"

"You don't want to say it because you're worried it might be true."

I huffed. I knew he was tenacious, but this was too much.

"No. I don't want to say because I don-"

"You're worried that if you open up you'll find out that it's true. You're struggling because the man you spent so much time wanting turned out to not really want you..."

"Hoseok that's..."

"You feel like you want to get out and that makes you feel guilty and shallow..."

"You don't..."

"You want a relationship that fulfils your needs. You're going crazy not being able to touch him. You feel like a predator. You want him to touch you so badly that it makes you feel sick."

I had stopped protesting. It was obvious he wouldn't stop talking until he was done.

"You think about me, don't you? I know I was your only one. Don't you remember how **good** it felt? How good **I** could make you feel?"

I saw his eyes drop to my lips again. He licked his own, pausing. The entry went quiet enough that I could hear movements in the hallway outside.

Then I saw him move. He was coming towards me, angling down.

I lifted my hand.

His lips landed on the backs of my fingers. My hand was pressed tightly against my own mouth, blocking his way.

Hoseok pulled back slightly to look at me. He opened his mouth, but the sound of the door unlocking interrupted him.

I don't know what Shownu or Minhyuk thought when they saw us. I'm sure it didn't look good. Hoseok had me trapped against a wall. I was covering my mouth. Hoseok was inches from my face.

Minhyuk reacted first. He grabbed Hoseok's arm and tried to pull him away.

"Ah, we... Jooheon... You shouldn't... Come on..."

Hoseok had barely nudged when Jooheon's face poked around the doorframe.

I figured I knew exactly what **he** thought.


	7. Chapter 7

I was going to have to send Shownu a thank you card. Minhyuk would get flowers. Or maybe I'd get them a spa gift card or something.

Shownu had lifted Hoseok and carried him into one of the bedrooms. Minhyuk had followed, all while mumbling placations towards both the potato sack Hoseok and the glowering statue Jooheon.

I waited for Jooheon to say something. He stood and made some frustrated noises for a while. Shaking his head, waving his hands vaguely, he didn't seem able to complete a sentence.

Finally, he just sighed and headed towards the kitchen. Following behind him, I decided to speak up.

"Joohoney..."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Then what are you?"

He sighed again and started pulling food off of shelves.

"I don't know. I guess I'm jealous? And I feel bad too."

I settled into one of the seats at the breakfast bar and watched him make ramyun.

"Why would you feel bad?"

"Because I can't give you what Wonho can."

I didn't know what to say to that.

I slid off my chair and tiptoed around the counter. Slipping my arms around Jooheon's waist, I rested my cheek on his back. He felt tense.

"Is this okay?"

He sighed, slouching forward, resting his hands on the counter.

"Let's break up."

* * *

 

I should have argued with him. I should have yelled and fought and tried to make him see that we should stay together.

My blanket was my new home. I only left for school and work. All free time was spent wrapped in dolphin printed flannel.

I had watched everything on my queue. I had watched most of the suggestions too. Two months worth of TV and self pity. It was rough, to say the least.

Hoseok had been calling every day. Ignoring his calls enough times had made him switch to texts.

> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Pick up!**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Come on monbebe. Pick up.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm going to keep calling until you pick up.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Fine. I'll try tomorrow.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Monbebeeeee!**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **What happened?**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Jooheon isn't saying anything.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Did he dump you? I'll fight him.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Did you dump him?!**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **No. You wouldn't do that.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **But I didn't think he would either...**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Changkyun says that you two ended it.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Tell me something I didn't know.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Jin-ok...**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Yim Jin-ok!**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Yah! Stop ignoring me!**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **At least yell at me!**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I know it was my fault.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **But you're my best friend so please just talk to me. Okay?**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Fine. Then don't.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Mom says she hasn't heard from your mom, so at least I know you're alive.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **How long are you going to do this?**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **If I apologised would you answer?**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **My selfishness got in the way of your relationship.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I wanted you for my own.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **You've always been myyyy Jin-ok.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Even with other guys.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I was always the most important guy.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **You were always my most important girl.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I liked it being that way.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **We played favourites together.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **We were always numbers one and two.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Well... You were always number one, and I was number two.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I wasn't ready to accept third place.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Now I feel like I've come in last.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Whoa, fell asleep last night.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **My point is that I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry that my selfishness got in the way of your happiness.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I never want you to be unhappy.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I thought that I knew what was best for you.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **But now you're a hermit.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **So I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'll repeat it every day if I have to.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry.**

He had continued like that for a week straight. Then...

> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I guess you really want nothing to do with me now.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm not in last place. I'm not even at the racetrack, am I?**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry.**

Then there was nothing. It had been a couple of months and there was nothing. Leaning against a brick wall on my break, I stared at that last message.

Jooheon was gone. Hoseok was gone. Appa, eomma, and my adoptive siblings were gone.

I should have realised that this was what happens when you date your friends. What could I have expected? We were kids. Break ups were the norm at our age. It was dumb to think I was going to marry him.

Had I expected to marry him? Maybe. God I was dumb.

"Jin-ok!"

The cook poked his head out of the back door.

"Table 20."

"Alright."

I blanked the screen of my phone and tucked it into my back pocket.

"I thought you were going to fix your hair."

I pushed past him and pulled an apron over my head.

"Boss says I don't have to."

Changhoon crinkled his nose.

"Boss has no taste. Go."

* * *

 

The table was all low hat brims and face masks. I pulled my notepad out as I approached.

"Hello, welcome to Giant Plum. Can I start you off with drink orders?"

"Noona?"

Fucking...

I glanced over my notepad to take in my four customers. Minhyuk, Kihyun, Hyungwon, and Changkyun were staring up at me. Well, actually, Hyungwon was still looking at his menu.

"Uh... Hi, guys."

Minhyuk was up and standing next to me in a beat. He barely stopped himself from hugging me. Remembering some propriety, he simply grabbed my hand instead, making me drop my notepad.

"Noona! How have you been? It's been months! So much has happened... We just finished our promotions fo-"

"Green tea with lemon for me."

For once, I was thankful for Hyungwon's coldness. Tugging my hand out of Minhyuk's I picked up my notepad.

"Okay, and the rest of you?"

Kihyun frowned, but just asked for water. Changkyun tilted an eyebrow as he echoed Kihyun. Minhyuk looked a little hurt as he sat back down and ordered some Milkis. I quickly nodded and retreated to the kitchen.

I delivered the drinks as professionally as possible. I didn't offer much chance for small talk between ordering and bringing out food. My attitude didn't entirely dissuade questions though.

"Have you been taking care of yourself?"

"How long have you worked here?"

"Do you use salt in the jidan?"

"Are you seeing anyone?"

That last question earned Changkyun a harsh elbow from Kihyun.

"It has a little salt but I can tell the cook not to use any."

"Do that then."

* * *

 

I delivered the orders to Changhoon. After making sure the tickets were in order I moved to the dish station and started moving clean plates to their shelf.

"Tough table?"

I kept going through the motions.

Dry.

"Not really."

Stack.

"You're doing dishes. It's a tough table."

Lift.

"Awkward, maybe. Not tough."

Settle.

"One of them your ex or something?"

Dry.

Stack.

"Seriously? Which one?"

Lift.

"None of them. But that's his group of friends."

Settle.

* * *

 

> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **Shownu wants to stop by the restaurant to see you.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **He hopes it's okay.**
> 
> **From: Hoseokie  
>  ** **I don't know why he doesn't just text you himself.**

* * *

 

"I think you should come back."

I set a plate of haemul bapjeon down in front of him.

"It's not like I'm part of the band."

"You went through No.Mercy with us. We need you."

I wondered who was included in that "we", but didn't ask. The restaurant was pretty empty, so I slid into the seat across from him.

"How is everyone doing?"

"They both seem a little depressed," he answered my real question.

"They don't really talk to each other unless they have to. The only thing they seem to agree on is that it's Wonho's fault."

A puff of half-laughter forced its way through my lips. I stood up.

"I've missed you. And them. All of them."

* * *

 

"Who's he?"

I didn't slow my hands in cutting potatoes.

"You're nosy."

"I'm curious," Changhoon corrected, "you looked awkward. But still relaxed somehow."

I smiled, piling cubes of starchy goodness into a bowl.

"Yeah. He has that feeling. I guess that's why we call him appa. Part of it, anyway."

"Appa? Is that what kids are doing these days? What does that make me?"

I smiled down at the cutting board. He was probably only ten years older than me.

"Widaehan... Halabeoji."

Changhoon snapped his grill tongs at me.

"Yah! Are all kids such punks these days?"

I smirked.

"Halabeoji then. Be careful of your blood pressure."

* * *

 

Hyunwoo lingered over the register when his meal was done.

"What is it?"

He clicked his teeth before replying.

"Tch... I'm serious about you coming back. Jooheon... I've never seen anyone that miserable."

I leaned forward, propping my elbows against the counter.

"I don't know appa. I think I missed my chance at fixing that."

"What about Wonho? You two were inseparable."

I hummed. He was right, like he so often was.

"I think it would cause more harm than good. If I fix things with Jooheon, then Hoseok will be the same as before. If I fix things with Hoseok, then Jooheon is faced with his ex."

"You're not giving them the credit they deserve. Wonho knows what mistakes he made, and Jooheon has really come around about the friendship between you and Wonho. Besides," his trademarked awkward smile popped up, "it's only a matter of time before one of them shows up here."

I hunched my shoulders slightly.

"I know."

* * *

 

"Don't you live the other way?"

Changhoon glanced down at me. He nodded curtly.

"In my experience, if there are that many boys sniffing around one girl, she needs some extra help."

I smiled a little, but kept walking.

"You don't have to worry about them. None of the one's you've seen anyway."

"That means there's one that I do need to worry about."

"No. There are two, that **I** have to worry about."

"Two?"

"Mm. My ex, and my best friend."

Changhoon sighed.

"I'm glad I'm too old for you. I suspected you might be a heartbreaker."

"Halabeoji... That's gross."

* * *

 

I didn't hear from, or see, anyone from the group for a week and a half after Hyunwoo's visit. It appeared my life was back to a post breakup norm. School, work, home, rinse, repeat.

That changed as I walked home on a Tuesday night.

"Noona... Noona!"

I glanced around on the off-chance that I was the noona is question. There was someone jogging in my direction.

"Jin-ok!"

I frowned at the approaching figure. I didn't recognise them, but they knew my name?

The man caught up to me and bent over, huffing slightly.

"Noona..." huff, "I'm glad..." puff, "I caught you..."

That voice...

"Joohoney?"

He stood up straight and gave me a small smile.

"Hey."

"You're so skinny!"

He looked surprised. Obviously that wasn't the first thing he expected to hear from me. He looked down at his body and shrugged.

"I guess? Uh..."

An awkward silence fell over us as we both seemed to realise that this was the first time we had seen each other since the night he had dumped me. I coughed slightly, trying to dislodge the lump that remembering that night had placed in my throat.

The silence was oppressive by this point. We both spoke up.

"It's been a while."

"Why are you here?"

Jooheon's mouth fell open at my question. Maybe my voice was a bit harsher than I had meant it to be, but the words were out.

"I... Changkyun told me you worked at a restaurant down here."

Seeing him was taking a toll on my emotions. What was he expecting to happen by showing up here?

I shook my head, irritated.

"That doesn't explain what you're doing here."

Jooheon rolled his lips together. He looked like this wasn't going as he had expected.

Good. Why should it? I took some pleasure in how uncomfortable he looked. Somehow I felt like he deserved it. I had questioned myself because of him, I had lost my oldest friendship because of him, I had isolated myself because of him. He should be uncomfortable.

I crossed my arms and gave him a hard look. He seemed to deflate slightly.

"Can we go somewhere and talk?"

"We can talk here."

 


End file.
